The Obviously Oblivious Borderline
A question that I often get asked is weighing heavy on my shoulders today. What does it feel like to have Borderline Personality Disorder? My response. I was and all Borderlines pre-diagnosis are the obviously oblivious Borderline. What I mean by this is it feels like nothing or “normal”. Borderlines are people, humans living in the same world as the rest of you. If a Borderline hasn’t heard of BPD or its definition, we are not aware of how it affects our emotions, behaviors, or that we are any different from any other human on this planet. I believe this being one reason we have such a hard time with relationships. Borderlines feeling so differently and more deeply than the majority causes confusion and misunderstandings.
The same concept here is like having a tumor inside your body for 30 years and then having someone ask how they felt all this time. They will tell you they felt what they thought was normal. Those with exposure to the disorder and its definition will tell you they feel anxiety, emotional rampage, suicide ect… Those people are no longer the obviously oblivious Borderline.
Stages of Recovery
That all becomes very clear in certain stages of one’s recovery. You find yourself in a revelation many times. Ahh, moments meaning one of two things 1. I can’t believe I do things like this or that and no one else does. Followed by, my favorite, understanding and coming to terms with the fact that you are always going to love more, care more and hurt more than those around you. Still, I struggle with remembering that even though someone may care about me; it is not and will never be on the same level as I care for them. I will be honest, I don’t think I will ever fully come to terms with this and I know this is something I need to let go of.
The over caring and emotional damage it has done to my inner soul has always felt like some punishment for crimes I have not yet committed. The looks and words people use when I speak loudly about how unfair I feel about this disorder, or any other disorder is. When I speak about how anyone with mental illness or personality disorders don’t pick them up and try them on. Oh, this one fits so tight I can’t breathe. Yay, it’s perfect. We didn’t start smoking and become addicts. There is only one view and one truth. We don’t get a choice, no matter how you want to see it.
Question #2 Response
I want to start by saying question #2 response will rattle a few feathers. Standing by and meaning every word I say. WHY DO SO MANY BORDERLINES PLAY THE VICTIM? We would like to know why the majority play the victim. A prominent example of this would be my family abandoning me after a suicide attempt. Receiving hate because of how it made them feel. Not owning their part in what had happened leading up to the event or a simple are you ok. It doesn’t matter if you have a personality disorder or a healthy human with no elements, your feelings are your feelings. Do not invalidate someone because you don’t have the same pain receptors.
If you have found the time to ask me or any other Borderline why Borderlines always plays the victim. You have had plenty of time to research that we feel on a significantly higher level than you. So you forget to take the trash out three days in a row after being asked every day. Yes, we may turn that into you, hate me and disrespect me. Handling this shouldn’t turn into a dramatic response or you shouldn’t have gotten involved with the borderline in the first place. Which leads me to my next response.
Can Borderlines love or be in a relationship? Well, first if you going into a relationship with a borderline and haven’t educated yourself on the disorder, shame on you. This is your mistake and you need to own it. Second, if you did your research, you knew going into the relationship it will have times of extreme intensity. The most relevant part of this response is if you do right by your borderline, there will never be a person to love you more. Yes, even your mother’s love can’t compare. We are loyal to the point we would step in front of a bullet for you. You will sit high on a pedestal that you probably don’t deserve to sit on. We often wreck our own lives and destroy ourselves before we purposely hurt the people that cause our pain.
Besides the lack of self-educating and the laziness, one should also know borderlines love the broken. A person can blame the borderline over and over make us look like the bad guy or even better make us look crazy. By the end of the chaos, we usually get to look like the crazy person because we get pushed to the point our eyes see red. We love narcissists I don’t know why we are so attracted to them but oh do we love them. It is very hard for Borderlines to understand and comprehend broken can’t fix broken.
The Obliviously Obvious
If you realize you have met a borderline and want to get to know that person, understand if the Borderline falls in love with you (this is all relationships, not just romantic) you will never have a better friend. The Borderline will always be there for you. The Borderline will go without making sure the ones they love do not have to. Mostly when a Borderline walks away from someone it is for a reason. You have shown us the image of yourself you portray is a lie.