MY BPD GOT THE BEST OF ME

Over the last week, my Borderline took over my life. Fear consumed my every thought, and rejection and failure flooded my every move. I beat myself so badly I slept for three whole days. This morning when I woke up, my body was weak and sore, and I was more than angry with myself. How many times would I let my BPD win? I should be patting myself on the back; I am not wreaking havoc on my life. I’m not plotting my suicide because I feel that worthless. I am, however, cowering to the thought of rejection and abandonment that hasn’t even transpired yet. Worrying about the outcome before I have made the first move. After Worrying, I spend hours beating myself up for letting myself down. Why do I do this to myself? Urg… I finally got the courage to do the frightening task I was so fearful to attempt. I picked up my phone, made a few calls, and sent out a few texts. The rejection I was so afraid of never showed its frightening face. I stopped my life for days held up on the couch over nothing. Folks this is BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER at it’s finest!

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The Borderline in Me

I am a 32-year-old female who received a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder in late September 2019. After being wrongfully diagnosed most of my existence as many other borderline patients have, it was almost a relief. Shortly after, it felt more like another bomb of worthlessness went off. I felt cursed until I decided it was time to speak up. I am one of many created borderlines. The trauma from my history created inside of me a blessing or a curse. I am choosing to make use out of my BPD instead of letting it overpower my will to survive it. When the professional compared it to third-degree burn victims all over there, body physicians nailed it. This pain we feel our emotions are not exaggerated, and most of us would give anything not ever to shed another tear. I want to help others and connect with those alike. I am here to share my story as my voice deserves to be heard and give courage for others to speak.

6 Comments

  1. I know those feelings well. I’ve gotten better though at telling myself in those terrible moments that the feelings are just temporary it will all be over soon 😕

      1. Ahh, I have heard so much about it; unfortunately, in my tiny community, it’s not offered. I do have what I call a team and my nurse I can call during operating hours who im beginning to trust. Most of the research I have found says it can take ten years to recover. I just received a diagnosis. I need to give myself more credit. Today is a good day, so it comes naturally to pat myself on the back. Tell me more about how DBT WORKS

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